


Shatter and Collide

by beautifultargetslove



Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Light Angst, Light Angst with a Happy Ending, Yixing being a good hyung because his relationship with Hansol is so cute, only a little though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-05 01:26:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12783948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifultargetslove/pseuds/beautifultargetslove
Summary: Yixing stiffens and takes Hansol’s hands, forcing him to look him in the eye. “Don’t say that, Ji Hansol. Don’t ever say that. You and I both know that Yuta loves you.”Hansol’s eyes are wide and in that moment Yixing realizes- Hansol doesn’t know.“How could he ever? How could he ever love someone like me?”





	Shatter and Collide

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this way back when, before Hansol left SM or even before Johnny debuted with NCT 127, but I really love it and decided to post it just in time for Hansol's birthday. He deserves all the love in the world. I hope you enjoy it too<3

Hansol didn’t really want to stay any longer but it was at least better than suffocating back at the dorms.

“Are you sure?” Johnny asks as Hansol had lagged behind the others. He can read Hansol better than anyone and by the slump of his shoulders, the crease of his forehead- Hansol is tired. But not tired enough.

“I’m fine,” says Hansol to Johnny’s unspoken question because Johnny is looking at him with concerned eyes and it’s the last thing he needs.

“Come back soon,” is all Johnny says but he squeezes Hansol’s shoulder as he leaves.

Hansol sighs, leaning over and resting his hands on his knees. The practice room is filled only with the soft strains of music that he hadn’t turned off yet. An English song, one Johnny knows well. They’d stayed up late one too many times enough so Hansol thinks he could sing it word for word.

He sinks to the floor, everything feeling too much and not enough at once. These weeks have been too busy, too tiring, and yet not nearly enough because while everyone else was out in the open already, he has to remain hidden. Secluded. 

It’s not the worst thing that can happen. He’s been promised debut and they’ve been working on bits and pieces of it but to see his friends rise to stardom- some already in two units at once- it just  _ hurts. _

And Yuta.

His Yuta, who had worked so hard to improve his Korean and learn the ways of the unknown, he’s finally debuted and is shining more than Hansol ever imagined.

A bitter smile.

Yuta’s deserved this more than anyone. Hansol can’t find it in himself to be upset that he’s already a step closer to his dreams while Hansol’s fallen behind. He loves Yuta too much.

They haven’t spoken in awhile. Hansol doesn’t know if it’s because the Japanese man is just too busy or if he’s not allowed to. The rookies have already been left alone enough as it is; they’re by themselves in the dorms now, the newly-debuted idols having moved.

Hansol misses Yuta sleeping next to him.

The door creaks open and at first he thinks it’s Johnny, having decided not to leave him alone. Or perhaps even Yuta, seeing each other for the first time in weeks.

But no, it’s Yixing, and when Hansol catches sight of him, he scrambles to his feet. 

“Hyung,” he says in surprise. “I thought you were going to China.”

“I am.” Yixing sits down on the floor, patting the space next to him where Hansol hesitantly settles himself. Even though they’ve grown close and the elder has named him his favorite dongsaeng, he still finds himself almost clumsy in Yixing’s presence. 

“I came by to pick something up at the studio and decided to say hi. But I thought practice ended earlier,” says Yixing, gently chiding because he knows Hansol stayed up later.

“It does. I needed to work on a few things.”

“Work on? Or work out?”

Hansol glances over at the Chinese male to see him sporting a half-smile. “You seemed awful deep in thought, Hansol. Something on your mind?”

_ Yes _ , Hansol wants to say but his hyung doesn’t need more on his shoulders so he looks away. 

“It’s nothing.”

“Hansol.” There it is again, that light scolding tone Yixing uses whenever he is trying to pry something out of Hansol. It’s not easy and Yixing is never as successful as he wants to be but Hansol eventually opens up to him anyhow.

“You can talk to me,” he continues and Hansol bites the inside of his cheek because Yixing is just so  _ gentle  _ and he hasn’t felt this way in a long time.

“Was it hard? Waiting to debut?”

“Of course it was, Hansolie,” answers Yixing, hoping the use of a nickname will help Hansol feel more comfortable. “There were times when it seemed so far away, times when I thought  _ maybe this isn’t for me _ .”

“How did you manage?”

Yixing smiles slightly. “I wasn’t just working hard for myself. I had others to rely on, and they in turn leaned on me. We had each other to keep going until debut...and after.”

Hansol nods, seeming to take it all in as he gazes at a spot over Yixing’s right shoulder. The elder waits, seeing if Hansol will say anything else.

“Is that what you’re worried about? Debuting?” he asks after a few moments, trying to coax more out of Hansol.

“Yes. Well, not exactly. It’s part of it.”

Yixing waits.

“I know I’m going to debut eventually, if not soon,” Hansol starts out slowly. “But it’s just been so, so  _ long _ , and I...”

“You haven’t talked to Johnny about this, have you?”

Hansol shakes his head, relaxing a little when Yixing pats his thigh. “He’s been waiting so much longer than I have. He’s gone through a lot and I don’t want to make him feel bad.”

“He’ll understand. And Hansol, telling him about your feelings isn’t going to make him feel bad. He cares about you a lot.”

It’s comforting to hear that, even if Hansol already knows. Johnny had been his first friend, managing to somehow ease Hansol out of his shell when they’re so different. Johnny has been here a long time- Hansol doesn’t want to make it seem any longer.

“If it’s really bothering you, talk to him. He understands more than you know.”

“Thanks hyung.”

Yixing smiles, ruffling Hansol’s hair. There’s still a hesitance in the air and he senses that’s not all that’s on Hansol’s mind.

“Is there anything else you need to tell me? I’m going to be gone for a few weeks you know,” he teases gently, hoping to lighten the situation.

Hansol looks away. “It’s nothing serious.”

“Hansol.”

A sigh. “Yuta. He and I....we haven’t…and he’s  _ already _ gone...”

“It’s about Yuta?” Yixing raises his eyebrows. Hansol is not the type to be jealous, especially of the ones he loves. If anything, it spurs him on to work that much harder. So to hear that Yuta is causing him problems seems so out of character.

“I’m not bitter. Not really. He deserves it so much.” Hansol has a soft look on his face, one he only gets when talking about Yuta. “That may be the thing. He deserves so much and since I haven’t even debuted yet, he deserves better than  _ me _ .”

Yixing stiffens and takes Hansol’s hands, forcing him to look him in the eye. “Don’t say that, Ji Hansol. Don’t ever say that. You and I both know that Yuta loves you.”

Hansol’s eyes are wide and in that moment Yixing realizes- Hansol  _ doesn’t  _ know.

“How could he ever? How could he ever love someone like  _ me _ ?” Hansol’s voice breaks at the end and Yixing gathers him into his arms, wanting to keep him from shattering.

But the damage is done. Hansol holds himself together just barely in Yixing’s arms, the exhaustion and stress finally taking its heavy toll on him.

Yixing hums soft lullabies in hopes to soothe Hansol at least a little.

It passes after a few minutes, Hansol feeling waves of embarrassment as he hides his face in Yixing’s shirt. He didn’t cry, not really, but to break down in front of his beloved hyung like this…

“You don’t have to be ashamed of anything,” Yixing reassures, his touch soft and barely there. “It’s okay to unravel sometimes. But Hansol, you need to know- Yuta absolutely  _ adores  _ you. He  _ loves  _ you, everything about you. Trust me.”

The door opens and feet hesitate a few steps in.

“Hyung?” Yuta has his backpack slung over his shoulder, his bangs still damp from a shower and face cleared of makeup.

Hansol feels one of Yixing’s arms drop. “Hey Yuta.”  
“Hi hyung. I thought you were going to China…?” Yuta’s confused because Yixing’s here, Hansol’s here and Hansol’s not looking at him and why does it kind of hurt?

“My flight’s not until four so I decided to stay with Hansol a little bit. But I probably should be going anyhow.” Yixing makes to get up and Hansol wipes at his face hastily. Yuta’s standing before him, clean and perfect and he just feels _ so  _ inadequate.

“Can’t you stay longer?” he asks but already knows Yixing won’t.

“I wish I could but you have a few things you need to work on.” Yixing hugs Hansol tightly, a whisper of encouragement before he takes his leave.

They’re left just the two of them, something heavy in the air that really shouldn’t be there.

Yuta’s worried because it looks like Hansol had been crying or close to it anyhow and Hansol is wound tight, too many emotions all at once.

“I looked for you at the dorms,” Yuta says first, taking a few more steps inside. 

That’s a surprise; usually they others don’t have time to come and visit them, wanting to get as much as sleep as they can. They exchange time with their friends for rest but who can really blame them?

Hansol’s touched.

“You came?”

Yuta nods. “Johnny said you stayed behind. I didn’t think you’d be practicing this late.”

“It wasn’t exactly practice.”

They’re quiet for one beat, then two.

They collide, Yuta wrapping his arms around Hansol suddenly, his backpack dropping to the floor with a  _ thud  _ but his head is on Hansol’s shoulder and that’s enough.

“I missed you,” he says and Hansol feels the tension release from his body. It’s been so  _ long _ , much too  _ long  _ since he’s held Yuta like this.

“I missed you too.”

Yuta heard from Johnny before he left that Hansol had been a bit off recently. He’d been staying up too late, sleeping only three hours at a time and working too hard to be healthy. Johnny’s even caught him wandering to the fridge in the dead of night a few times, almost half-asleep.

_ “You said you’d take care of him,” Yuta had said back at the dorms, anger barely suppressed. _

_ Johnny had scowled. “I’m not the one he needs.” _

And now seeing Hansol for the first time in weeks, Yuta understands that Johnny was right.

He kisses Hansol softly, feeling the elder almost melt against him because just being back in his arms, just being  _ held _ \- it’s all he needs.

“You know how much I love you, right?” Yuta whispers against Hansol’s mouth.

“I know.”

“Is something bothering you?” Yuta nips at Hansol’s lower lip and the elder pulls away just a bit, first to breathe, then to talk.

“I just…” he pauses and Yuta waits, playing with the short hairs at the nape of Hansol’s neck because he knows it’s comforting.

“You’re out there, making the world love you, and it just makes me wonder how you could ever love me?”

Yuta stills. “What do you mean by that?”

“Don’t you deserve better?”

“No,” answers Yuta too quickly. “I deserve  _ you _ , because I  _ love  _ you and I  _ want  _ you, Hansol. You’re the only one I love.” Yuta kisses Hansol again, feeling his knees weaken. Just  _ how  _ long has Hansol been thinking like this? How has he gone on so long, making Hansol feel unloved?

“When activities end, you won’t be able to get rid of me,” Yuta starts out, smiling when Hansol pecks the corner of his mouth shyly. “I’ll stay with you and spoil you rotten- I’ll never want to be without you. And then we’ll be promoting together, standing onstage  _ together _ , making the world fall in love with  _ us  _ but all I want is you.”

Hansol is blushing now but he’s smiling, the heavy feelings of before completely gone and he wonders how silly it was to get worked up over nothing.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be. Just please remember that I love you,” he kisses Hansol’s cheek “and that I’ll,” kisses his nose “never stop.”

Now Hansol’s face is red but he’s so happy, so stupidly happy. Yuta meets his lips this time and laughs when he notices Hansol’s blush as they break away. It’s a nice sound, one that Hansol’s really missed.

“Walk me back home?” asks Hansol because the tiredness is now really settling in, even with Yuta here.

“Of course. As long as I can hold your hand.”

“You don’t have to ask that, you know,” Hansol says as Yuta picks his backpack up, slinging Hansol’s bag over his shoulder as well.

“I know,” Yuta says back, slotting their fingers together. “I just really want to hold your hand for the rest of my life.”


End file.
